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| disgusting :/ |
I haven't had a bad life in fact it was pretty good, I was always a happy child growing up but I never really spent time with children my own age, only adults or teenagers. When I was at primary school I used to get bullied a lot because I'm 'ginger' you know how little children are, but as I was growing up it would get worse so, of course, I would start eating. I never experiences physical bullying just verbal (which is better I suppose), anyway them words that the kids chanted at me stuck in my head. At night I would just sit in my bedroom crying, I would never go out, and to be honest that's not a good start in childhood really. My family started to notice I was getting fatter so they sat down and spoke to me about my eating habits since I would only eat chocolate, sweets. They thought this was pretty normal for a child not to like vegetables and fruit as much but I remember the words they said to me at age 11 'Danni, we think your eating way to much and would like you to cut down a little please, otherwise your going to end up being obese'.
Them words really got to me, my own parents scared that I would get fat. This was the moment my eating habits change, my exercise changed, my whole life changed. I told my parents that I wanted to eat more healthier so they thought they would help by not buying so much 'junk' food and buying healthier things like fruit, vegetables. Instead of having the favourite cereals like Coco-pops, frosties etc... I would have muesli, instead of have chocolate for snacks I would have an apple instead. This was going great, I lost weight I'm not sure what my stats were then since I didn't track them. But it became an obsession, I started eating less and less as I got older, my restriction were going stricter.. My exercise became my life and everything started going to my head.
By the age of 12 I had lost almost a quarter of my weight, and I was going to stop there. I would pace up and down in my bedroom every night and day (on weekends) I wouldn't go out the house, because my parents worked night times but nan normally looked after me but I would ring up and say to her that she didn't need to come in, or I would drug her with sleeping pills (yes, I know that's bad but that's also how bad I was) My parents came home early one night as I was purging they saw me. They wasn't mad at me because they partially blamed their selves for putting the idea that I was fat in my head at such an early age. But they took me to a Psychiatric nurse, she was great. She was the first person I told EVERYTHING to, I stayed in an ED clinic for a while to get my eating habits on track, and because I wanted recovery I was doing really well even though I wasn't still eating the recommended calorie intake amount, I was eating triple than I was before. Finally after a month I got discharged, we got given a chart with my progress on, when I went into the clinic I was 3st 9, but when I got let out I was 4st 10 a still little underweight but I was healthy. I was getting on with my life, I made more friends since I was going out more, joining clubs, being a part of society, my weight went up to a healthy 5st 8.
But then I went into high school, I started late on in the year because I was focusing on staying healthy but I was still pretty thin for my age, at 13/14 I made only a few friends because my confidence was still knocked down from primary school. As again I started to get bullied about my hair and my height (since I was pretty small) I got name thrown at my like 'ginger dwarf' or 'half a carrot' some were really hurtful which I do not wish to repeat on this, this time instead of eating I started exercising to get my anger out, and the unfortunate self harming -.- My weight dropped again but not as drastically, on my 14th birthday I was 5st 2 still very underweight for my age, I again got sent into a hospital but my Psychiatric nurse wasn't there anymore, I had a man who didn't understand the first things about being a teenage girl, or even about the ED. He wasn't helping at all, he was kind of making it worse. I stayed in the hospital for only a week this time because I thought to myself 'If I eat, then I'll get let out earlier so I can lose weight again'. It worked, I got let out. My weight went up to 6st 11 (yes, I know very fat!) I can't really remember being 14, probably because most things was going alright for once in my teenage life :)
But when I turned 15 the voice of Ana came back to me, nothing triggered it, I wasn't being bullied, and I had great friends. I started to slowly slip my eating habits back down, but because I'm older now I could make it more discrete, and my exercising habits went back up. In 5 month of (little effort) I lost 10lb, yes I know its not a lot but still its good for now.
I still wouldn't class myself as having an eating disorder. I think of it as just wanting to have the perfect body for once in my life, a bit like when I was 12. I just want to be skinny again and I'm pretty scared of getting fat, but my current weight now it 91lb, I want to get it down to 81lb and my dream weight would be 71lb :)
As my life goes on more will be added, until then take care. x
In my mind..
Many people would ask 'Why do you care so much about what people think?' The answer to that is I don't really, well I do of course but its more about what I think about MYSELF and what Anamia thinks. Shes my real friend shes the one that comforts me not with food but with emptiness and encouragement. When I look in the mirror I don't want to see just me but I want to see everything around me too. When I put on weight a part of me dies inside.. That means that I've let myself down, I've let myself go, I'm a disappointment! I don't know why I feel like this, many people don't understand that we don't just say one day 'oh I want an ED I'm going to stop eating' No! this isn't how it goes.. It can slowly build up starting from that you think your a little bit fat nothing to serious but it progresses soon in your own eyes your massive, and you HAVE to lose weight.
That's was so frustrating about some people if/when I tell them about my ED they're like 'shut up your not fat, eat a sandwich' (Ive had that said to me many times -.-) But they don't understand I can't eat that sandwich if it has too many calories in it, or if I've already reached my daily limit. When I eat too much I get so frustrated with myself, I feel as if I'm a failure, that I'm stupid for not just ignoring the temptations.
Everyday it gets worse (I didn't think I could feel any worse) and I want to be skinnier the thing is. If you reach your 'Goal weight (gw)' then you work towards your 'Ultimate goal weight (ugw)' soon you make a new gw and ugw until it slows gets lower and lower until your body can't support its self any longer I haven't got this bad, yet, and I don't want to. Another thing many people don't understand that the people with this condition they're not happy, they're not enjoying themselves most of the time they're depressed, lonely, disappointed. I mean like;
I don't want to be so bothered about my weight
I don't want to feel depressed if I put on 2lb
I don't want to be controlled by my best friend (Anamia)
I just don't want to live the life as an Anorexic, it slowly takes over your mind, your body, YOU! Its all you think about it every second of the day, thinking about how many calories you have, how many you can burn, how much weight your could lose. I would love to be able to go to a restaurant with my friends, go for a family meal, enjoy Sunday dinners or just enjoy eating. Without worrying about everything that's going in.
I can feel myself slowly getting more and more obsessed about my weight, about how I look. I don't want it to get majorly skinny, majorly depressed, majorly ILL!
I want to live a 'normal' life, or not live at all. But something other than this, I try to get help but its hard to eat since its been my enemy for 3 years, I've taught myself to despise it, try not to be lured in to devilish delites. So its going to be hard to become 'normal' again.
I'm trying everyday, but I suppose Anamia is too possessive for me to do it alone. ♥
That's was so frustrating about some people if/when I tell them about my ED they're like 'shut up your not fat, eat a sandwich' (Ive had that said to me many times -.-) But they don't understand I can't eat that sandwich if it has too many calories in it, or if I've already reached my daily limit. When I eat too much I get so frustrated with myself, I feel as if I'm a failure, that I'm stupid for not just ignoring the temptations.
Everyday it gets worse (I didn't think I could feel any worse) and I want to be skinnier the thing is. If you reach your 'Goal weight (gw)' then you work towards your 'Ultimate goal weight (ugw)' soon you make a new gw and ugw until it slows gets lower and lower until your body can't support its self any longer I haven't got this bad, yet, and I don't want to. Another thing many people don't understand that the people with this condition they're not happy, they're not enjoying themselves most of the time they're depressed, lonely, disappointed. I mean like;
I don't want to be so bothered about my weight
I don't want to feel depressed if I put on 2lb
I don't want to be controlled by my best friend (Anamia)
I just don't want to live the life as an Anorexic, it slowly takes over your mind, your body, YOU! Its all you think about it every second of the day, thinking about how many calories you have, how many you can burn, how much weight your could lose. I would love to be able to go to a restaurant with my friends, go for a family meal, enjoy Sunday dinners or just enjoy eating. Without worrying about everything that's going in.
I can feel myself slowly getting more and more obsessed about my weight, about how I look. I don't want it to get majorly skinny, majorly depressed, majorly ILL!
I want to live a 'normal' life, or not live at all. But something other than this, I try to get help but its hard to eat since its been my enemy for 3 years, I've taught myself to despise it, try not to be lured in to devilish delites. So its going to be hard to become 'normal' again.
I'm trying everyday, but I suppose Anamia is too possessive for me to do it alone. ♥
