When I was 12 I was experiencing the celebrity industry.. The media.. The obsession. I'm talking about the obsession of the perfect image. The body that people dream of having. Ever since I look at models despising the way that they look, I just wanted to be like them no one understood since I was young they just thought I was being stupid I would say quite a lot 'Im fat look at me' people just looked at me and tell me different. Who are they to tell me what I am. They was probably right back then but over the years this obsession has progressed.
On my 13th birthday I didn't want a birthday party because that would involve my worse enemy. Food. I would have to eat the birthday cake or suffer the temptation which later on I would regret and have to punish myself. Burn off the calories I have put on, severe exercise until I felt as if I had taught myself a lesson. Sooner or later I would try to stop eating all together because I wouldn't want to go through the exercise regimes at night that would hurt me. I would be in tears, in pain but I wouldn't give up because I needed to teach myself not to get pulled into the delicious deadly delites. By my 14th birthday I had lost almost a quarter of my body weight. I have been made to eat so I have put on a bit of weight which I hate.. Now at 15 I'm 6st 3 Some people may think that is skinny and when the doctor says I'm underweight but them 2 words make me happy. You may think that I'm stupid for being so insecure about my body, about how I look, about what people think of me. But believe me my ED has taken over my life. I just didn't decide one day that I was going to be anorexic its something that possesses your mind, the voice of Ana starts to tell you what you can and can't do. All of a sudden she is your best friend, the one that looks after you, the one that makes you perfect.
Some people don't understand how much of an obsession it is they don't understand how disappointing you feel when you see that you have put even the smallest amount of weight. When I see that I have put 3lb or so.. on I have to lose it.. When I look into the mirror I don't want to just see me.. I want to see everything around me too.
Today I have disgusted myself because its Sunday I have has the traditional Sunday dinner, it was horrible afterwards I felt so full and horribly sick.
Hope you enjoy and understand my story. x
This is one of my many thinsperation photo's. Simply perfect right?
I know how it goes with this whole ED. Even though we're different, we basically share the same hell of our eating disorders. You just have to look at the positives that you like about yourself. Like most, I will look at myself in the mirror and critique every last thing about myself... like my saddlebags, or my fat thighs; I learned the more I put myself down in the mirror, the I believe it, and still do. Finding the positives, like the color of your eyes or hair, or whatever, does help. It helps take away those negative feelings I have about myself even if it is just for a minute or less. I hope I helped you. It's a long and steep road that we're on, but you just have to keep going in order to beat this.
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