Its becoming an obsession

Meaning;
She has magazine clippings coming out of her head and a tape measure, because she has a constant battle with the media idustry and to be skinny, the tape measure is going in spirals because its a rollercoaster ride, she has her up's and downs. She has an open head because thats all she thinks about and it posseses her thoughts. Theres also three endings to the tape measure each means Life, Death and Recovers. Death is at the top because shes so close to it, Life is second furthest away because shes constantly fighting to live but Recovery is the furthest away because its almost impossible. Because the magazine clippings are attached to the inside of her head means that it is a part of her life and always will be. The tears that run down her face are just tears of emotion; fear, but its also a part of her which is being wasted by the thoughts of being skinny. The melting of the face shows that she is disolving into becoming just an image to the media industry and society, that its not her anymore and shes slowing dying.

when I see your face it makes me want to die'

This picture had a few hidden meaning to it.
Her mouth is covered by the cloth so she can't speak because she has no voice of her own, no say in what she does, she has the voice of ana controlling her. Also so she so she can't eat, because eating is a terrible sin.
He nakedness is because ana stripped her from her life, she no longer can live the way she wants to until shes perfect then she can fit into the tiny tiny clothes.
The bottom half is missing because of the starvation and strict self harming is making her fragile and weak that she is slowly fading away, soon ana would have succeeded into taking another life of a poor innocent girl who has been demoralized by the media industry and so obsessed with the image of 'perfect and beauty'.

beauty is art?

Well the whole of last night I didn't sleep one bit :/ which is bad yes I know but I did draw these which I thought I would share, by the way they're only the rough ones so I remember to do the neat versions;









I know some can do with some improvements and some adjustments have been made, when I finally so the neat versions I will post them :')

Take care x



its been a while

Well it has been a while since I last posted a blog. I haven't even been busy so I can't use that excuse.. Over the time I haven't been blogging I've had my ups and downs..

Some days I felt as if I'm taking up to much space and that I should just leave the world in peace.

But other days I've been pretty proud of myself :')

At this moment in time I'm pretty happy with myself, because I've just recently come back from Egypt and whilst I was over there since I ate with my boyfriend at nights I didn't eat a lot, some days I fasted without actually realizing it, from what i can remember there was only one day I kind of pigged out because I had 2 slices of pizza but i surely burned the calories off by swimming and walking, that's what I love about going on holiday, its like continuous exercise everyday! AMAZING... Around 4 days into the holiday I had got 'acute tonsilltis' which meant I couldn't eat anyway so there wasn't any moaning from the parents.. and since I've got back to England I've had a really really bad throat.. My mum made me eating some mash potato but I couldn't it brought me into tears so she didn't make me eat then either.. My throat still hurts pretty bad so she's still not bothering me to eat so its days of fasting :')

I can finally fit perfectly (dare I say its even a little baggy) into my size 4 blazer, but I haven't weighed myself yet before I went on holiday I was 96lb I daren't weigh myself in case I haven't lost much or I've gained loads over Christmas (since i was forced to eat that because of family) I will some day soon pick up the courage to do it though and hopefully it would be good results..

Take care x

Oh yes! I have my phone back ♥

I like this picture :)

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)

I have my Blackberry back, god i've missed it

Happy ♥

Over the weekend its been good not only because i've been doing good on my diet but I had the best time with my friends and boyfriend...
Friday - Kind of sucked, because of maths revision but I did it at a pub with my boyfriend, the night time was also good I just stayed in a read my book, but that took my mind off of food.
Saturday - Amazing met up with my boyfriend just had a really good day, went to the pub at the night time but the atmosphere was amazing, everyone was getting along, singing, dancing, talking :') brought back good old times, oh also went to see 'Paranormal activity 2' with a friend that i've never met until now, she was pretty amazing! Overall it was a good day..

Sunday - Went to the pub once again, had a sunday dinner, but I only had 2 new potatoes, 1 1/2 roast potatoes, and some peas which was all good :) I decided to treat myself with a packet of salt and viniger crisps (my favourite). But then the sad time of my boyfriend going back home.. and revision.

I've decided I ♥ my life at the minute, hopefully it won't be ruined.

take care x

bookworm :) ♥

Yeah i've got to admit it, im a book worm :)

Rather than going out, I would rather stay in bed with a good book, currently im reading 'Wasted by Marya Hornbacher' if you don't know already its about her journey battling with the possesive disorder anorexia I haven't got far in it since I only got it yesterday but it is pretty good, and extremely heartbreaking.

I would deffinately reccommend it since it was reccommended to me by my best friend Alyssa <3

-.- ♥

Awful gained 3lb -.- great... fasting tomorrow! :)



how i feel!



Oh happy days ♥

Well the weekend.. what can I say!
Its been great, I got to see my baby boy for the weekend, its been pretty amazing, i've also been pretty busy which of course means 'i didn't get time to eat!'
Friday night was pretty bad actually, I just felt down and depressed from people, I went up to the pub that we own for a bit just to see my boyfriend for 2 hours, that made things up for what went wrong :) But then I missed him when I came home.
Saturday I was at the pub pretty much ALL day, firstly working the breakfast shift, then I had to host a chlidrens halloween party with my best friend which was all fun fun fun! Face-painting, Dancing, Chlidrens games. Oh I miss being a child and not having a care in the world! Then I was suppose to go out but i've been banned from all parties this year -.- after what happened last year (you don't want to know) but I stayed at the pub's party where the staff can keep an eye on me, and I was with my boyfriend who looked as hot as ever dressed up as Clark Kent. I was just a traditional vampire...
Sunday (today) I just spent the morning with him before he had to go back to Sheffeild :'( not good, but it was nice just sittting around whilst it was raining outside watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the old version) but then the tears came as he had to go! Tonight im not doing much just giving out sweets to the trick-or-treaters!
Oh i've fount this picture that im totally in love with for some reason. well I would have posted the picture but it won't let me -.-
Take care x

Why is everyone hating me at the minute?

explains alot how I feel

So over the past week i've been called a slag, a freak, a ginger bitch, and ugly.

Guessing thats what I really am, its ashame they can't really say it to my face -.- But I just suppose there pathetic low lifes, today has been a pretty horrible day from 3 o'clock onwards it began really quite good, I did a 30 minute jog, and some excercise which I burnt 203 calories and thats before I got into the hard working exercise.. But I suppose after getting called all them names just got to me really, I know it shouldn't but if thats what people really think about me :/

I ate quite a lot today so tomorrow im getting back on track if I can, I think im going to just ignore these stupid immature people and get on with my life. I mean someone said to me today over a fake account on facebook of course because there not big enough to say it as they are 'Danni shut up your ugly I don't know how your a model' well I suppose thats just their opinion and obviously the people who offer me jobs don't think that. Tomorrow I think i'll either just fast or just have pea soup again, i'll show these people who's really the ugly one when I get my perfect body.

If only people understood.. and not judged

I tried to tell one of my friends today, to see if they could understand. Turns out I'm stupid, and pathetic, yeah thank you for the support and help. It's really got to me that my friends can't seem to understand what I'm going through. They refuse to see the real reason I'm like this. I try to tell them that I didn't just decide that I have to be skinny, that I have to see my bones, that I have to be 'perfect' (perfect? What actually is perfect these days) Why can't they just except the fact I watch what I eat, and just leave me alone instead of making non-funny jokes about it -.- Like 'oh look how nice the chocolate bar is' or 'mhmm... this taste good do you want some.'

I think I'm going to have to seriously think about my friends and where they stand, yeah they maybe looking out for me but their taking the piss, laughing about it, making it into some sort of joke seriously? No their not real friends. But I'm glad I have online friends like the girls on PT and also Alyssa she helps me a lot, and she really understands too, also David M he's been there for me all the times through the good and bad its just a shame we haven't met in person yet. The best thing is that he doesn't pretend that he knows what I'm going through he just understands by reading my blogs, and to what I say to him. He's a real sweetheart, the kindest lad I've ever spoken to.

Anyway enough about my heartless friends, the song which has really got me through today is

Christina Aguilera - Fighter
When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

 I relate this song to be because some of the lines like;
'Cause I've had enough, You were there by my side' - The weight.
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame' - Because I eat, I've gotten fat and ashamed.
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't known just how capable I am to pull through' - The people that don't understand or who have 'bullied' me.
'Cause is makes me that much stronger, Makes me work a little bit harder' - Exercise.
'Make me learn a little bit faster, Made my skin a little bit thicker' - Exercise/Skin laying across my bones.

'Never saw it coming' - the ED

'All of you backstabbing' - the friends?

'Cause you dug your own grave' - the future if I carry on

'After all of the fights and lies' - people saying I'm perfect

'Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore' - Nasty people.

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture, I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down' - temptations'

Take care x

Get on my level you can't get on my level..

Well after 1/2 days of happiness and enjoyment with the diet I have to be a greedy fat cow and mess it up. I mean whats wrong with me! I just can't stop eating, I just can't resist the temptations of the delicious food which is in the hell hole! Why can't I stop myself, I have done before but tonight I just stupidly walked into the kitchen, and ate! Without a care in the world, until the moment passed then I was horrified by what I did, how unthoughtful could I have been!

Jealousy is a disease and that's one I will admit I have! I'm jealous of all the girls which have strict rules, that have amazing will power, which all equals to an amazing body! One that I should have instead of just having all this disgusting fat hanging on to me, it should NOT be there. But it will go one day, I will make sure of it. I'm changing my diet since I'm too stupid to follow the rules of that one -.- I'm going to try the soup diet for a week. Hopefully I can do that, I say to many people 'You just have to believe in yourself and you'll do it' Only if one day I could take my own advice, but one day;

• I will have will power
• I will self discipline
• I will not eat
• and I will be perfect.

Just like this amazing picture

Take care x

Hollygrove, I throw it up, like im trying to lose my gut..

I honestly can't wait until Lil Wayne gets out of prison

I don't know why, im a tiny bit (majorly) obsessed with him! He gets out 4th November this year which isn't far away.. Im thinking of writing him some fan mail but im not sure, I could be wasting my time or he could actually reply. Anyway my 5 bite diet is still going pretty good, for breakfast I had nothing, because I didn't get up for breakfast, but for dinner I had 5 bites of a cheese and onion pasty and I haven't had my lunch yet but its cooking... Im dreading it really, I'll be expected to eat it all probably.

But i've finally got my Wii Fit in my bedroom so I can excercise most of the day! How Exciting!!!
I've had it for a while and I haven't been on it for like 4 months -.- so im going to reset it and start over... Im determined to get to my goal weight and hopefully my ultimate goal weight!
Also im going to buy some size 2 jeans, when I can fit into them I will be extremely happy!!

Im missing my boyfriend loads because he lives pretty far away from me I see him every weekend and holidays :) But im going on holiday with him soon which will be pretty amazing, im going to egypt! Thats also what is making me determined to get to my goal weight so my body would look super nice in a bikini and shorts.

Take care x

Finally, getting somewhere :) (2)

hopefully will be my pictures up soon.

Well all went to plan really, im so happy. Im not going to weigh myself until the morning because I don't want to ruin my excitment.
Bits of the plan changed like instead of having smiley faces I had a subway sandwich instead which has slightly more calories in '268' but i've still resulted in my intake being -2 calories. Im a bit disappointed that it would have been a low as before but im still happys, its not everyday that i've been able to say I had calories but lost them ALL. Im not going to lie, it has been pretty hard to do it today, but they always say 'The first day is always the hardest' in anything, whether its having a baby, getting a new job, or like mine starting a diet. Apparently the third day is always the best so im just hoping I can keep up the good work until then (: To see if its actually true.
I know I won't eat anything else tonight because im going out and I NEVER eat anything out so it's all good.
Just look forward to tomorrow.
x

Finally, getting somewhere :)

Well this is my first day on the 5bite diet..
I know its only early afternoon but I think im going great so far.. I've resisted temptation of an egg sandwich, chocolate doughnuts, chilli doritos' (which are my favourite) So i've only had
Breakfast: Twinings flavoured tea 2kcal
Dinner: 5 peices of a satsuma est: 25kcal
For Tea I think I can get away with fasting it since im going out, but if I am tempted to get something out I think it would be some smiley faces (I know sounds babyish but there lovely) they have 87 per one, 47 which is fat.. 5 bites would be 2 1/2 of them so they calorie intake would be 213.5
With it all planned out my calorie intake (before excercise) would be 241 (rounded up)
with my daily routines and exercise according to www.healthstatus.com/ I'll be burning around 297 calories today which is more than my intake so its works out to me -27.5
Hopefully if this all works and goes to plan i'll be dropping pounds by the second!
Take care x

Failed. Start over.

Well I was doing extremely well I had nothing to eat all day.
Until my parents came home they forced me to eat :/ I was so angry and disappointed with myself, the only way I could teach myself was an extreme work out which I did.1000 sit ups, 3000 jumping jacks, and a 4 mile run that should have done it, Im going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and when I have if I haven't lost anything well then i'll have to do it again.
But im going to start on the 5 bite diet for a week see if I lose anything then (: I think I will..
If I do I will be so happy.

I can't write much tonight as I still need to do more excerising..
Take care x
Thinsperation of the day..

My story so far...

I'm guessing this is the only place that I can tell my story.. My full story here it goes;
When I was 12 I was experiencing the celebrity industry.. The media.. The obsession. I'm talking about the obsession of the perfect image. The body that people dream of having. Ever since I look at models despising the way that they look, I just wanted to be like them no one understood since I was young they just thought I was being stupid I would say quite a lot 'Im fat look at me' people just looked at me and tell me different. Who are they to tell me what I am. They was probably right back then but over the years this obsession has progressed.
On my 13th birthday I didn't want a birthday party because that would involve my worse enemy. Food. I would have to eat the birthday cake or suffer the temptation which later on I would regret and have to punish myself. Burn off the calories I have put on, severe exercise until I felt as if I had taught myself a lesson. Sooner or later I would try to stop eating all together because I wouldn't want to go through the exercise regimes at night that would hurt me. I would be in tears, in pain but I wouldn't give up because I needed to teach myself not to get pulled into the delicious deadly delites. By my 14th birthday I had lost almost a quarter of my body weight. I have been made to eat so I have put on a bit of weight which I hate.. Now at 15 I'm 6st 3 Some people may think that is skinny and when the doctor says I'm underweight but them 2 words make me happy. You may think that I'm stupid for being so insecure about my body, about how I look, about what people think of me. But believe me my ED has taken over my life. I just didn't decide one day that I was going to be anorexic its something that possesses your mind, the voice of Ana starts to tell you what you can and can't do. All of a sudden she is your best friend, the one that looks after you, the one that makes you perfect.
Some people don't understand how much of an obsession it is they don't understand how disappointing you feel when you see that you have put even the smallest amount of weight. When I see that I have put 3lb or so.. on I have to lose it.. When I look into the mirror I don't want to just see me.. I want to see everything around me too.
Today I have disgusted myself because its Sunday I have has the traditional Sunday dinner, it was horrible afterwards I felt so full and horribly sick.
Hope you enjoy and understand my story. x
This is one of my many thinsperation photo's. Simply perfect right?